happy new year
Here's to defying the logic of all laws everywhere...
31 December 2007
30 December 2007
guaranteed to give you nightmares
As you've probably noticed I don't write about politics as much as I once did. Frankly, Operation Enduring Hegemony and Clusterfuck 2008 have bored me as of late. What little political commentary I am still able to churn out now gets featured at the Guys from Area 51. Plus, I've enjoyed taking the Pime in a more personal direction this year. That said, I can't completely eliminate the skullfuckers from this blog, so here's some politics for ya...
Candidates Digging for a Deeper Pool of Iowa Voters
I wonder how deep they will dig. To China, perhaps? And what, pray tell, is floating around in this cess pool of Iowa voters. Who is the elusive demographic du jour? Soccer moms? College kids? NASCAR dads? Tractor-driving oxycontin-addicted Jayhawk fans?. . .
Last week some close friends of ours came down to visit from Oakland. At dinner one night we were discussing the choices in the quickly approaching election. As is customary in any discussion of presidential candidates, first my wife professed her love for Obama. Then our friend, Oakland gal, explained why she would be voting for Hillary Clinton.
"She's a brand name", Oakland gal said. "It's a safe bet to go with a brand name".
I didn't challenge her on that statement. Frankly, what's the point starting an argument? She's got a point - when it all boils down to Coke vs. Pepsi, why would anyone choose Shasta cola? Picking candidates is like selecting laundry detergent. The only decision is whether or not you want bleach included.
I'll disclose my choice for supreme dictator of the land on February 5 after I vote in the Kahleefonia primary. Read more...
29 December 2007
midpoint of the season
Barclays Premier League : Table
29 Dec 19:22
29 Dec 19:22
| | Home | | Away | |||||||||||||
| Team | P | W | D | L | F | A | W | D | L | F | A | GD | PTS | |
| 1 | Arsenal | 20 | 9 | 1 | 0 | 23 | 7 | 5 | 4 | 1 | 17 | 9 | 24 | 47 |
| 2 | Man Utd | 20 | 9 | 1 | 0 | 22 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 15 | 8 | 26 | 45 |
| 3 | Chelsea | 20 | 6 | 4 | 0 | 20 | 8 | 6 | 1 | 3 | 11 | 7 | 16 | 41 |
| 4 | Liverpool | 18 | 4 | 4 | 1 | 20 | 6 | 6 | 2 | 1 | 13 | 6 | 21 | 36 |
| 5 | Man City | 19 | 9 | 1 | 0 | 19 | 7 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 8 | 15 | 5 | 35 |
| 6 | Everton | 20 | 6 | 1 | 3 | 22 | 11 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 13 | 11 | 13 | 33 |
| 7 | Aston Villa | 20 | 5 | 1 | 4 | 14 | 13 | 4 | 5 | 1 | 21 | 13 | 9 | 33 |
| 8 | Portsmouth | 20 | 2 | 6 | 2 | 11 | 8 | 6 | 1 | 3 | 18 | 12 | 9 | 31 |
| 9 | West Ham | 19 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 12 | 11 | 5 | 1 | 3 | 13 | 6 | 8 | 29 |
| 10 | Blackburn | 19 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 11 | 12 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 14 | 15 | -2 | 27 |
| 11 | Newcastle | 20 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 16 | 15 | 2 | 2 | 6 | 11 | 16 | -4 | 26 |
| 12 | Tottenham | 20 | 5 | 1 | 4 | 30 | 21 | 1 | 5 | 4 | 11 | 15 | 5 | 24 |
| 13 | Reading | 20 | 6 | 1 | 3 | 14 | 13 | 0 | 3 | 7 | 15 | 29 | -13 | 22 |
| 14 | Middlesbrough | 20 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 11 | 15 | 3 | 2 | 6 | 7 | 18 | -15 | 20 |
| 15 | Birmingham | 20 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 12 | 12 | 2 | 1 | 7 | 10 | 19 | -9 | 19 |
| 16 | Bolton | 20 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 15 | 9 | 0 | 2 | 8 | 7 | 23 | -10 | 17 |
| 17 | Sunderland | 20 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 11 | 13 | 0 | 2 | 8 | 9 | 26 | -19 | 17 |
| 18 | Wigan | 20 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 13 | 12 | 0 | 2 | 8 | 7 | 24 | -16 | 16 |
| 19 | Fulham | 20 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 15 | 16 | 0 | 4 | 6 | 6 | 19 | -14 | 15 |
| 20 | Derby | 19 | 1 | 2 | 6 | 6 | 17 | 0 | 2 | 8 | 3 | 26 | -34 | 7 |
Arsenal are back on top and it still sucks to be Derby County.
Listen up around 0:10. An idiot scouser got himself close to the field microphones on today's Arsenal-Everton match. He has a nice message for Arsenal left-back Gael Clichy...
*If you are confused by all the numbers here is a hint - the only important statistic is the points column on the far right.
**A scouser is someone from Liverpool. Here is the scouse alphabet. Read more...
28 December 2007
religion of peace
Members of rival Christian orders have traded blows at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, with four people reported wounded in the fray.
Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic priests were sweeping up at the church following the Christmas rites of the Western churches earlier in the week. Reports say some Orthodox faithful encroached on the Armenian section, prompting pitched battles with brooms. Intense rivalries at the jointly-run church can set off vicious feuds.
It's stories like these that put a smile on my face - and this month I really needed it. Man, this year could not end soon enough. I'm really looking forward to 2008. Read more...
27 December 2007
in brady we trust
Apparently, the New England Patriots are no longer just an NFL team. They constitute a national emergency:
In an unprecedented decision, the league announced Wednesday that CBS and NBC -- and not just NFL Network -- will air Saturday night's finale between the Patriots and New York Giants in a three-way simulcast...
On Christmas Eve, Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) delivered a letter to Goodell suggesting the NFL consider using the "flex schedule" -- a progamming device that allows the league to change kickoff times to give NBC the best matchups for its Sunday night broadcasts.
"Electing to air the game on NBC would ensure that every television in America has access to such a historic game," Kerry wrote.
Wow. I am actually shedding real tears. You know, if John Kerry demonstrated this sort of political expediency and bully-pulpit efficiency back in 2004 he would be president now... Read more...
24 December 2007
link dump
I was planning to do a year-end review like I did last year. Sorry, but I'm feeling too lazy, disillusioned and misanthropic at the moment.
So here are the links I was amassing.
Enjoy.
kinda puts me in the mood
Maybe not. I just like moving my head side to side.
See also: Happy Solstice, you bastards!
22 December 2007
all xmas all the time
The Reg's definition of local celebrities includes the owner of the Anaheim Los Angeles Angels, a reality television housewife and the Bishop of the Diocese of Orange.
And we have the best tuba blowers in all the fucking land...
21 December 2007
demolition derby
The drafts are up to 51 now. Ya think I can clean them out by December 31? The CG has been doing a great job cleaning out the files. Perhaps I can make a dent into the pile, if I don't completely incinerate it. See, when it comes to cleaning, I prefer a blowtorch and a bulldozer to a mop and broom.
Read more...don't go breakin' her heart
Admitting that her own mistakes may have fed unfavorable impressions of her is still not the style of Mrs. Clinton. On Monday night, when asked by someone at the rally why there were people who did not like her, she did not criticize herself or delve into introspection.
“There are people who will never vote for me,” she said. “It breaks my heart, but it’s true.”
Roll up, roll up for the Hillary Likability Tour, step right into this pothole...
UPDATE: Not to worry, HillaryTM gets by with a little help from her friends. If you want I can keep going with these Beatles metaphors. You know, it's been a hard day's night... Read more...
marx claims it was offside
The Greeks may have won that match, but Crispin alerts us to a new battle between zee Germans.
everything in its right place
That's Italian actress Monica Bellucci from a new shoot in Paris Match (thanks, Dr. Monkey). You may recognize her from The Matrix Reloaded (a disappointing sequel) or from Passion of the Christ (didn't see and won't see) as Mary Magdalene. She also has a mad crush on Italy captain and World Cup winner Fabio Cannavaro.
After a shitty week I needed something to lift my mood.
18 December 2007
everything i need to know i learned from repo man
Heh, reminds me of my introduction to the world of mortgage brokering right out of college. We funded thousands of loans to consumers who have now foreclosed on their homes. That sure was a soul-sucking occupation, not to say Acme Industries is any better.
So, what code do you live by?
17 December 2007
someone tell o'reilly his war ain't over yet
You read that correctly. The World Wide Leader hates the baby Jesus.
fan is short for fanatic
PITTSBURGH -- Richard Desrosiers never made it to Heinz Field to watch his beloved Steelers play football, but his widow helped him fulfill his dream in death. Thanks to some help from sympathetic donors, Kathleen Desrosiers attended Sunday's game, bringing an urn with some of her late husband's ashes, as well as his ring and two pictures of him. He had died in March of a brain tumor.The moral of the story is: don't put off doing something you love or else you might never get to chance to do it. Or, rather, football games don't matter when you're dead. Read more...
what's worse than christmas music?
The dreaded annual Christmas letter! Luckily, I haven't had the pleasure of being the recipient of this fine holiday tradition. My parents receive a few of them every year from various family members and friends. It must be a Boomer phenomenon. The Gen X'ers aren't much into letter writing - I sure am not.
Check out last year's submissions for worst all-time Christmas letter. The following selection contains the perfect blend of gloating, callousness and denial...
"We have put on a 1,000 square foot addition on the back of the house this past summer. (See enclosed digital photos.) This was Doug's dream. He and the boys love playing on the $5,000 pool table. Personally, I think it was just a little too expensive for a pool table, but if my boys are happy, I'm even happier! Yes, I am. This addition, along with the new kitchen last year, has definitely made this a home for the ages!"
Wow, thanks assholes! We declared bankruptcy this year and can barely make our housing payments thanks to Bob's medical bills, but other than that we're just swell... Read more...
16 December 2007
peyton manning, corporate whore
Somehow this dude has managed to place himself in every goddamn commercial that airs during Sunday NFL games. He sells televisions, electronic gadgets, credit cards, cell phones, satellite service...you name it and he will sell it.
I've been occasionally checking the teevee for the score of the Patriots-Jets game, but every time I glance at the idiot box there's good old boy Peyton telling me to buy something. His on-field antics - pacing back and forth while yelling at his offense line - are annoying enough. Now I have to watch him run through the hallway of the hotel from the Shining...
when did radiohead become "indie rock"?
According to Stereogum, Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke is the #6 "Indie Rock Hottie of 2007". The ludicrous nature of such list notwithstanding, how does one encapsulate Radiohead into one style, let alone peg them as "indie"?
Their first two albums were solidly Britpop. Ok Computer was just fucking amazing. Then they went into interstellar overdrive and charted their own path through the modern-electro-ambient-lofi-revolutionary musical landscape.
But I'll give the Gummies this - their list of female "Indie Rock Hotties" is on the mark. Numero uno es Leslie Feist. This is well deserved.
For a more substantial list check out their Best Albums of 2007.
15 December 2007
don fabio
Some interesting tidbits on newly hired England national team manager Fabio Capello:
Nine league titles in 16 seasons with four clubs – an even better pedigree than Steve McClaren. But only once, in 1994, has Capello won the Champions League.
He's a proven winner. He's also brutally honest...
Capello could find employment as the Government’s obesity tsar if results go badly. “Aren’t you ashamed of being so fat?” Capello asked Ronaldo while in charge of Real in January. The Brazil striker waddled off to AC Milan.
And he doesn't mind engaging in verbal fisticuffs...
Capello fought with Paolo Di Canio during AC Milan’s tour to China in 1996 after the former West Ham United forward told him not to take the games so seriously. “Your face looks like a penis,” Capello said.
This is precisely what England needs. Don't listen to the xenophobic douchebags who think England should have an English manager. There are no good English managers! Read more...
14 December 2007
strategic redeployment in the war on christmas
My troops are ready. They have doubled in number since last year.
They are well armed and ready to fight two wars: the war on war and the war on conspicuous consumption. Stay tuned for a report from the battlefield next week.
13 December 2007
needle and the damage done
MSNBC: Clemens turns out to be just another cheat
...and it couldn't have happened to a better team. Actually, I could give a shit, 'cos stickball bores me. I prefer sports with bigger balls.
voodoo economics
In the interests of full disclosure, I cannot completely denounce Rupert Murdoch without first acknowledging that I enjoy one small outpost in his media empire. On Saturday morning Rupie delivers the English Premiership to my home via Fox Soccer Channel.
That said, I can now criticize the remainder of his imperial holdings.
His newly inaugurated Fox Business Channel has sought financial analysis from an astrologer. Umm, ok. I guess Saturn and Uranus have some impact on Ben Bernanke's decision to lower interest rates. And labiaplasty is akin to picking the right stocks.
My late grandmother (one of the single most important persons in my life) was heavily into astrology and numerology. These are two big no-no's according to her Catholic church. She also claimed to have seen Jesus and numerous spirits (but those stories, if I ever get to them, are for another day). Too bad she's not here 'cos I could ask her what the planets had to say about the impending recession...
12 December 2007
every story has an angle
Following up on yesterday's report of Holy Spirit-guided bullets, the AP offers this stunning development:
DENVER - Matthew Murray’s world was haunted by demons. Somehow, a child of a prominent doctor, someone who was homeschooled in a comfortable Denver suburb, evolved from would-be Christian missionary to a killer trying to rain Columbine down on the Christian world.
A family spokesman said Murray grew up in a loving home. But other interviews and what appear to be Murray’s own online ramblings portray a disturbed individual who resented his sheltered upbringing, had problems with his mother, heard voices in his head, felt rejected and abused — and yet appeared to be searching for a place to belong.
Really? Demons? "Suburb", "homeschooled" and "child of a prominent doctor" seem to be much more possible motives than angry fallen angels.
Let me get this straight. Demons are the cause for all the evil, suffering and misfortune in the world. God occasionally intervenes through certain chosen people to save the day. Humans are at the whim of these supernatural forces and have no free will whatsoever.
Thanks for clearing that up. Read more...
11 December 2007
holy firepower
"I just prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide me," Assam said at a packed news conference Monday. "I give the credit to God. This has got to be God, because of the firepower he had versus what I have."
If a supreme being was behind the heroic actions of Jeanne Assam then this same supreme being was the driving force behind Matthew Murray's madness. I mean, humans either have free will or we don't. Pick a side and stick with it. Read more...
10 December 2007
the progglesphere reacts to the realization that their [gasp] heroes in congress are a bunch of [gasp] torture-loving mofos
I will not leave you alone. I will keep rubbing it in.
09 December 2007
democrats respond to allegations that they [gasp] knew about torture and [gasp] let it continue...
The best part is...most of the people feigning outrage over the Congressional enabling of torture will vote for a Democrat next year. Suckas.
fuck the new york times
If you have an extra $200 lying around I'm sure you'll want this.
Read more...08 December 2007
semi-interesting facts about third tier democratic presidential candidate senator chris dodd from his wikipedia entry
In July 1970, he married Susan Mooney; they divorced in October 1982. Afterwards, he dated at different times Bianca Jagger, Erin Carter, and Carrie Fisher.[5] In 1999, he married his second wife, Jackie Marie Clegg, who is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The couple have two daughters, Grace (born September 2001) and Christina Dodd (born May 2005).
Bianca Jagger and Carrie Fisher. Damn.
Which brings me to this admission...
I've had a crush on Miss Fisher ever since I watched Return of the Jedi at age 5.
You can't go wrong with a golden metal bikini. Read more...
our lady of rigor mortis
Do you dream of spending eternity staring at the Virgin Mary? Well, now you can... order while supplies last. But take heed of their shipping policy..."Acts of God, weather-related conditions, and states of emergencies can delay delivery beyond the stated delivery parameters".
And their bonus disclaimer: THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC OR OTHER EVIDENCE THAT ANY CASKET WITH A SEALING DEVICE WILL PRESERVE HUMAN REMAINS.
Don't say they didn't warn you.
Me? I want to be cremated. It's cheaper.
07 December 2007
wienershitsmell
Del Taco's 99 cent bean and cheese burrito notwithstanding, I'm quite averse all brands of fast food. I used to think McDonalds' food emitted the worst odor - a bizarre mixture of sugary syrup and rancid frying oil. However, I've discovered a cuisine whose atrocious smell matches its equally disturbing appearance.
Who enjoys eating a penis-shaped hunk of processed nitrate-infused mystery meat covered with faux yellow fromage and diarrhea chili?
Wienerschnitzel pushes the boundaries of my gag reflex. Sorry if I've spoiled your appetite - I'm just doing my part to encourage healthy eating. You know, someone has got to think of the children...
05 December 2007
04 December 2007
caption this #3
Click on the pics to enlarge and leave your captions in the comments. I know you can do better than my half-assed attempt at captions below.
(1) Aww man, captions again? Do I have to?
(2) Cops come and try to snatch my crops.
(3) A sale at Ferragamo? Let's cancel lunch, I've got some shopping to do!
(4) South Korea joins Bill O'Reilly's Coalition of the Willing by sending young female cheerleaders to battle the dreaded anti-Christmas task force.
(5) [Practice photo!]
(6) Mmm, this polonium borscht is my favorite!
(7) The latest spokesmodel for the "Got Miso?" campaign struts her stuff.
*inspired by Norbizness' Captions a Plenty
03 December 2007
whereby i join the youtube wars...
Pavement, "Gold Soundz ", 1994.
I didn't start the war. Jim Yeager fired the first shot with ELO. Then the Culture Ghost retaliated with some Iggy Pop. I feel it is my duty to cleanse the collective palette with some beautiful Malkmus melodies.
The video for Gold Soundz was filmed in my hood of Irvine, CA. Around -2:03 the guys take over University Plaza (across the street from UC Irvine) - the home of Steelhead Brewery and the one movie theater that shows *good* films in this part of Orange County.
02 December 2007
ballon d'or
I may love gooooooold, but I still belong to Jesus.
The title of European Footballer of the Year has been awarded to Brazilian ace Kaká. If I were him I'd be quite disappointed - where was Monica Bellucci to present the trophy this year?
Did Kaká deserve the award? That's difficult to say when you look at the other names on the short list: Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba, Zlatan Ibrahimović, Cesc Fabregas, Robinho, Francesco Totti and Juan Román Riquelme.
Kaká primarily won the award because his team (AC Milan) won Europe's (and the world's) most prestigious club competition, the UEFA Champions League. He single-handedly destroyed Manchester United in the Champions League semi-final.
Last year the Golden Ball award went to Italian defender Fabio Cannavaro who had just captained his national side to victory in the 2006 World Cup. Had France won the World Cup final, Zinedine Zidane would have probably received the award.
I don't know much about college football, but I get the feeling that the Heisman trophy is typically awarded to the quarterback, running back or wide-receiver of a national championship side, or at least a team ranked in the top five. In other words, it pays to be on a winning team.
01 December 2007
previously unreleased material
This post is about blogging about blogging, or meta-blogging.
In my Blogger dashboard there are 46 drafts. These are 46 potential posts that never saw - and may never see - the light of day. They consist of YouTube videos, half-written essays, ideas that I could not properly formulate to my liking, etc.
A few days ago I decided to unearth some of these drafts but then grew lazy, saved this here post, and retired it to the dashboard. Now I'm meta-blogging about meta-laziness which has confined 46 (and counting) posts to the dustbin of Blogger. Maybe some day I'll publish these drafts instead of meta-blogging them. Maybe.
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